Tannishblog

I'm often amazed by the lack of courtesy among my fellow urban americans. Every day as I interact with the general populous, I encounter acts of bad behavior: intentional rudeness toward strangers, various degrees of road rage, and intentional aggressiveness. I openly admit that I fall to the same trap as anyone, so I'm starting this web page to find answers to this question: How do I stop myself from behaving badly toward others? The first step is to understand the motivation behind such actions. In light of this I would share a poem I've discovered:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by:Portia Nelson I

I
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost … I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

This poem is an insightful look at the way the mind treats a bad habit. The first verse is the habit; the second is denial. Notice the end result of the first two verses are the same. The third verse acknowledges the problem as a habit and takes the blame for it: the end results are positive. Verses four and five describe the necessary change to break the habit. This poem acts like a map of a reflexive mental process. It says that our default mechanisms need to be noticed and reprogrammed. I find this map applicable to any habit or problem from nail biting to drug addiction. It also applies to interpersonal skills: as they say - the first symptom is denial, and it's easy not to notice your own reaction to a given situation. If someone gives you grief, you'll respond in kind, thereby causing escalation. Most arguments start with two mistakes: one from each side. As for dealing with strangers, I find discretion the better part of discussion: it is often unwise to argue back. Besides, it doesn't matter if they agree with you; only that they leave you alone. But minor infractions abound these days - in traffic or crowds the possibility of a rude encounter is almost certain. In large populations there is truth in the adage: "There's safety in numbers." Safety lies in anonymity, which facilitates rude behavior by granting people a faceless aspect. Often the perpetrator can easily blend in with the populous never to see the victim again. There is very little difference in behavior between mere incivility and outright criminality: both actions require rationalizations for something that a person knows is wrong. He\She does it anyway, and melts away in the crowd. This type of behavior is quite prevalent in the shopping malls.